No one can do It for you
She was beautiful once
No one ever says the word.
Their eyes scream It
If she could even stand
Six months ago,
Sometimes throwing up was the worst part
And the word they can't say has changed
Leukemia? Spell check fixed it for her.
They say It's a child's disease
The thought of children bearing It
And with dignity most people never dream of
So now she can spell It,
Wonder if spell check can do the same for dying?
So she sits at her pc all day
She remembers when this was all true -
She just wants the pain to stop -
Hey I'm still here,
I've always known It would come at night,
I feel him there, all day, looking over my shoulder
I know I have the smell of death on me now
And when they leave, looking relieved - duty done until next week,
I'm dying you fucking idiots!
I'm pale because my blood is poisoning me
So I'm sorry -
I don't want to be that way,
It gets frisky, jumping around from thought
No matter how hard you try...
I'm the one dying not you..how silly of me,
Of course I have lots of company, don't worry about me,
We aren't really a social bunch though
I guess we could read each other's fortunes,
The fortune cookie was right:
Haha!
That breath is so bad...
But now the hour is late and I'm tired...
I'm awake less and less lately,
She's here again now,
She doesn't work here, I know them all...
The guy with an accent turns me - hoping
No nothing like that - he must think
I think I'll call him Juan....
Juan is in love with me and wants me
I think I may love Juan too
In a better world
Then there is The Bitch....
She berates anyone who happens to be around
The lady with the sad eyes...
She isn't one of the criers,
God forbid...I'm far past being lonely now,
If I could only remember what It is
She's not an angel,
She brushes my hair gently back from my forehead
Almost, but not quite there....
When I am, I know she will say the words for me
I haven't forgotten you...
Mary Beth
Dying is the loneliest task of your life,
because in the end,
you have to do It alone.
and no one can make It go away,
but sometimes,
someone can make It
a little more bearable.
Was it just last year that
they found out about It
and their voices hide It
and she wants to stand up and yell
It! at the top of her lungs
knowing It would just come out a whisper
If she could even fucking stand...
the Chemo took the last of her beautiful hair -
about the same time vomiting took the last of her curves.
but that was before It got really bad -
now she can't even describe the worst part
It's changed and she never even learned to spell It!
the thought brings the tears again
the horror is enough for an adult
is almost more than she can stand -
but bear It they do
she sees them every day - bravely hopeful,
crying when the pain becomes too much to bear
problem solved -
now that It
is no longer what is killing her
That's what their eyes scream now
When they can stand to look at her at all
and tells wonderful living lies
about jobs and families and lovers
when she was still alive
but Its all over now but the dying -
and she doesn't even dread It anymore
She just wants everything to stop
And she hopes that somewhere
someone will remember something she said -
something she did - someone, somewhere
every day starts with the same litany
I woke up, I'm still here, therefore,
I will still be here tonight - until I go to sleep
this visit I dread and anticipate
with pathetic eagerness -
this visit from Death
I smell his fetid breathe every time I inhale
Or is that me?
I see It in their faces when they try to kiss me
and they always do, when they come looking apprehensive
they would come more often they assure me,
but It tires me so and they hate to see me so pale
I would get some sun so as not to worry you so much
but the medication doesn't allow bright sunlight
I hate to have you see me like this,
wan, apathetic - and excuse me
for making you feel bad
because you are still alive
I promised I wouldn't,
I swore I wouldn't but this dying,
It does something to your mind...
when you get to the point that your mind is all you have left
to thought, with mad glee, refusing to be reined in,
no matter how you try
very funny, of course I mean
No matter how hard I try
wanting to make It a group thing
Even for a moment,
so that maybe it wouldn't be so lonely
this is a hospice after all we are all here for the same reason
We don't play a lot of cards - hard to care who wins
or loses...
or check our horoscopes - but we are already
pretty sure what's in store for us...
A tall dark stranger in my future...
I wish he would gargle before we meet
I wonder if he will kiss me when he arrives...
I wonder...
just wanted to tell you I'm still alive
time is running out and I have things to say -
though I don't remember them much of the time
but it's hard to tell the difference
I wish I could remember who she is
She's the lady with long hair and sad eyes
She's here sometimes when I wake up, holding my hand
Looking at me like she is hoping to find an answer
and half the time I don't even remember the questions
Soft hands bathes me and changes the i.v's,
she smells of cheap perfume and hard work,
the stink of defeat permeates her body,
causing me to wish her life were a little easier
to prevent bedsores I'm sure - and
he does something with my legs -
I'm going to suddenly wake up and
want to dance, so he exercises my legs
to come out dancing with him
He talks to me in his soft gentle voice
and I pretend to be asleep so he will continue.
we would run off to his home in Mexico
and raise fat little brown children
to take care of us in our old age...
telling them everything they are doing is wrong,
I've never heard her say a nice word to anyone,
I pretend to be asleep for her too
but not for the same reason
Who is she?
they still come on the weekends most times,
but they just sit and cry and they bore me to tears
I don't shed them or they will know I'm awake
and they might stay longer
I just want to tell you something -
before It is all over...
I think that is why she's here...
she is my voice,
my connection to life somehow
her skirts are way too short
and her eyes are way too sad
I want to open my eyes and let her see the answers there,
but I'm afraid if I do, she won't come back -
and I'm not ready to say goodbye yet...,
I just want you all to know that I'm trying so hard to remember,
whatever it is I need to tell you....
have you forgotten me?
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