A magazine editor once hired me to do an interview with Kitaro

Do you know Kitaro?

(Think Asian version of John Tesh.

I told the editor that I hated Kitaro's music and would only do the interview if I could get really wild with it - I wanted to rattle him a bit, and the editor agreed.

The next day, the editor called me back. He said he had just found out that Kitaro had connections at the inner circle of Yakuza. Of course, The Yakuza are famous for cutting off their own fingers, getting full-body tattoos, and inserting pebbles under the skin of their penises. They like to kill people too. The editor said, "I guess we are going to have to pass on the Kitaro interview" and I said "Are you kidding?!!! Now I REALLY want to interview him!!!!" So, we scheduled an interview that was supposed to take place two weeks later.

That same day, Kitaro's publicist called me and said, "We read some of the articles you had published and we were wondering... What kind of interview were you thinking about doing with Kitaro?" I said that I would probably ask a few questions that would be new to him. The publicist immediately got nervous so I had to lie to him. I said, "You know, I will ask Kitaro questions like 'So when will your new CD be out?' and 'How is your tour coming along?'" The publicist didn't seem very convinced.

He said he would get back to me.

A few minutes later he called me back. He said that I could only do the interview if I had the time to do it right then and there (instead of two weeks later). Of course, he was hoping that I would bail on the interview because I didn't have time to do any research. Still, I wasn't about to let the opportunity get away from me.

I said, "O.K., get him on the phone."

The publicist wasn't really expecting me to actually AGREE to do an on-the-spot interview. He basically put HIMSELF on the spot by trying to corner me like that. After an awkward pause, he said, "O.K., I'll have to call Kitaro and do a three way connection." I knew what this meant. The agent wanted to sit in on the interview so he could cut me off if things got out of hand. Despite this, I agreed to do the three-way call.

I know how these things work. Kitaro was supposed to be the good guy and the publicist was supposed to be the bad guy. If I asked anything outrageous, the pubicist would cut in and disrupt the interview. During the disruption, Kitaro was supposed act as if his publicist was being overly-protective. That way, I would think he was a great guy and I would write a nice article about him, even though none of my cutting questions got answered. It's an old publicist trick.

So, the publicist got Kitaro on the phone. I started by saying, "Kitaro, it is nice to speak with you but I am having trouble hearing. Do you mind if we have your publicist hang up his end of the call?" Now, of course, Kitaro had no choice because he was supposed to act like a nice guy in interviews. He said, "No, I don't mind". When the publicist said, "Now wait a minute here..." I said "Kitaro and I want you off the line." He and I argued for a while. Finally, the publicist said the he would put us on hold and check in with us in a little while.

As soon as the publicist got off the line I asked Kitaro about The Yakuza. He got upset but I kept after him until he admitted that his schmarmy new age fluff was initially funded by his father-in-law (the head of Yakuza!!!!). I asked him about some of Yakuza's dirty deeds and he admitted to a few things. Then he did a lot of name-dropping in an attempt to distract me (Kitaro has worked with Yoko Ono, Tangerine Dream, and Emerson, Lake, and Palmer). He also talked about the Golden Globe awards that he received and his recent Grammy nomination.

I responded to these statements by asking Kitaro about his drug use and about his "popularity" in Japan (he is universally HATED in Japan!). He admitted to some drug use and then went on to bash the Japanese people. I got him to make a lot of un-New Age comments.

A few minutes later, the publicist got back on the line and said, "Kitaro, are you getting tired?" This, of course, was supposed to be Kitaro's way out of the interview. I said, "He's fine. Can you please keep off the line? It is very hard to hear when you are on."

I pressed on with the interview. Kitaro released a collection of pieces for orchestra a few years earlier and it was his most highly acclaimed CD release. I asked him a few technical questions about orchestrations. He tried to fake his way though. When I persisted, though, he admitted that he didn't really write the pieces. He said that he wrote a few melodies and a real composer actually worked them into a score for orchestra. Yes, he was nominated for a Grammy for music that he didn't actually write!!!! He was the Japanese Milli-Vanilli!

Anyway, the publicist was trying to set up all these interviews so Kitaro would come off like a wise, kind, and spiritual musician. I read a few of his interviews and this is exactly how he came off. In MY interview, though, I got him to admit to financing his career with Japanese mafia money, hating the Japanese, using drugs, and getting nominated for a Grammy under fraudulent circumstances. The magazine published the interview under the title "Kitaro Bizarro". It was great.

So, THAT is why the Yakuza hate me...

© 2003 - Zozo