THE HEDGEHOG, THE MOUSE,
AND THE CATBIRD

There once was a very learned Hedgehog whom some said was unduly proud of his magnificent erudition. It wasn't so much his pickiness that they minded, they could handle that; it was the nerve-wracking, high-handed, egotistical manner in which he continually flaunted his elaborate, great knowledge right in their faces, never ever looking to see if they gave the slightest damn about whatever it was he was talking about. In a word, considering his position within the animal kingdom and his pointed manner that seemed so above it all, one might say what really bothered them was his prickiness.

It was true that he had rede every classic book ever written and could fluently speak twenty-seven different languages including Old High German, English, Middle English, Old English, Esperanto, New Latin, Old Latin, New Greek, French Patois (which is surprisingly similar to New Greek) and he could even tagalong with Tagalog which afforded him an advantageous edge over the competition especially when he found himself in the Philippines; but his continual harping on the etymological source of every other word that one uttered quickly began to grate on even the kindest of ears.

You might want to know the nature of the competition he had to deal with but please be patient and we'll eventually get to it.

Now that we've dealt with that interruption, I'd like to state that I personally have nothing against the Hedgehog (in fact I rather admire him), but nevertheless as we go along you will find the pretentious little snob to be very uncomfortably seated at the butt of the joke with a lot of egg on his face so if you tend to over-identify with cuddly little pricks, then I should advise you to immediately leave the table before you have to wince and grit your teeth at his comeuppance.

The Hedgehog took great pleasure in pointing out the fact that according to the latest lexicographical consensus, his ancestors were the most likely etymological source of the word "caprice," that caprice literally means hedgehog-head in Old Latin and indeed was aptly chosen because the Old Romans, themselves being fond of cuddly little things, had noticed that from an innocent little pat on the head you never knew when you would feel the prick; and also that though at first it might make you scratch your own head a bit, this word-source ultimately made utter sense since hedgehogs are the most impulsive and unpredictable animals on the planet and you never know what might be in their heads at any moment. "Spike-it-to-ya" was the knee-jerk patois-phrase that he commonly used to get down to their level and dismiss any of the lowbrow red-necked mockers who might try to belittle what they might see to be a touch of pomposity within his vast and astute learning.

One such mocker was a Red-tailed Catbird hailing from The Carolinas named Harold whom the Hedgehog took great pleasure in dismissing by sarcastically referring to Harold's classy New Latin classification, Dumetella Carolinensis to merely mean "a stupid talker from the Carolinas." But one day to his surprise and consternation, right in the middle of the Hedgehog's very convincing, you could even say "brilliant" sales presentation for the sale of a his elaborate, newly printed, gold-edged, nine-thousand dollar, multi-lingual encyclopedia-set to a very wealthy but naive Mouse, the Catbird who was high up out on a limb and listening to the pitch, and being a mimetic sort of chap, caught the Hedgehog totally off guard by repeating verbatim, selected but unrelated, short, random phrases of the Hedgehog's sweet-talk pitchery in rapid, high-pitched succession over and over again that went like this:

"What's the point......of buying this......what on earth?..... .......all your troubles will begin.... ....... you'll not get...... .......much out of it..........but not to get it is a sin?................ ....very soft and oh-so-nice......you'll not use it......so why spend......since it's not worth.....half of the price........"

Although the Mouse had already taken the bait and nominally agreed to the purchase, this made him laugh so uproariously that he got a stitch in his side and found himself in stitches for such a long time that his writing paw became paralyzed to the point that he was unable to sign the check.

As a matter of fact the Mouse was still in stitches when the humiliated Hedgehog left in such a huff that he forgot to take the encyclopedia-set with him and wouldn't you know it, the Mouse's Grandchildren still enjoy looking up things in it to this very day!

Moral:

A stitch in time saves nine thousand dollars.

© 2004__Muldoon Elder