by Dan Propper
In the 1st minute of the final hour Walt Whitman was found
in an ancient subwaytunnel beneath 52nd st. where he
had lain in exstasy since the first bars of jazz filtered
through. The trackwalkers who found him immediately
took up their crowbars and smashed in his skull, re-
ceiving two month's pay from the grateful City Council
and promotions to the rank of Conductor;
In the 2nd minute of the final hour the archbishop of Holly-
wood decreed Moses and Mohammed to be Christian
and had Buddha stricken from the records due to Com-
munist Tendencies;
In the 3rd minute of the final hour Washington Monument
stalked across the land to New York City where it
raped the Washington Square Arch in an attempt to end
forever the reign of suffering and alchemy;
In the 4th minute of the final hour thousands of frenzied
poets engaged in drunken roof-dancing atop Sutton
Place;
In the 5th minute of the final hour Bud Powell became
president of the newly-formed Jazz Musician's Union by
successfully skipping 3 successive Lawrence Welk Stere-
ophonic LP's into the gurgling waters of Chesapeake
Bay, 17 skips to an LP;
In the 6th minute of the final hour two vandals stole a heli-
copter and replaced the Statue of Liberty's torch with a
defamatory sign. When questioned as to the truth of the
allegation, the lady smiled wisely and nodded her head;
In the 7th minute of the final hour a monstrous orgy took
place in the main office of the New York Times after
which a colossal hardcover evening edition was brought
out containing all the news that had never been fit to
print;
In the 8th minute of the final hour the Police Gazette ex-
humed the Unknown Soldier and found him to be none
other than Adolf Hitler;
In the 9th minute of the final hour three psychiatrists en-
gaged in simultaneous subliminal copulation with a color
television set;
In the 10th minute of the final hour the Daughters Of The
American Revolution applied lipstick to their ——
—— and mascara to their ——. Contemplating their
handiwork, they decided to sign up for correspond-
ance courses in ventriloquism;
In the 11th minute of the final hour a delegation of narcotics
addicts volunteered for medical experiments in return
for drugs and living cancers injected into their
eyes;
In the 12th minute of the final hour the Congress of Amer-
ican Advertisers proclaimed The Dignity of Man, issuing
a 1000-sectioned scroll of the free verse on the subject;
In the 13th minute of the final hour the weary floor of Yucca
Flats fell in, revealing a glorious an hitherto unknown
subterranean civilization and the remains of its people,
their withered bodies still bent in supplication;
In the 14th minute of the final hour millionaires were
enticed, with their Cadillacs, into an innocent-seeming
auto laundry where they were swiftly dismantled, cars
and all, emerging 6 minutes later as 42 cases of dog
food;
In the 15th minute of the final hour the secret of Salvador
Dali's symbolism was subconsciously revealed to a fam-
ily of deaf-mutes;
In the 16th minute of the final hour a band of inscrutable
indians in full battle regalia filed silently back and forth
past a telephonebooth in front of the ASPCA;
In the 17th minute of the final hour the tenor sax of the
world was discovered and played upon by an obscure
Republican congressman from Artesia, New Mexico;
In the 18th minute of the final hour 6 drunken juvenile de-
linquents became stupefied on the subway and were
carried to Canarsie, where they awoke to evening un-
certainty. They commandeered a rowboat and headed
for open water, and were last seen just outside Sheeps-
head Bay, rowing erratically and mumbling energetic
prayers to Jean Genet;
In the 19th minute of the final hour a troupe of black-
listed negro actors put on whiteface and played "Tobacco
Road" to an audience of hysterically-weeping American
Legionnaires;
In the 20th minute of the final hour an enterprising railroad
owner surreptitiously installed red lights and prostitutes
aboard the Staten Island ferries, causing a mammoth
trafficjam in Ne York harbor which marked the re-
birth of the loco motive;
In the 21st minute of the final hour the washingmachines of
Levittown became enchanted and transformed their en-
tire contents into purple anklesocks;
In the 22nd minute of the final hour an intense young man
with a beard startled the pious crowds at Lourdes by
materializing 20 feet above the ground and announcing
that he was Christ. when he descended to submit to the
tests of the observer from the American Medical Associ-
ation, a young priest fell upon him and garroted him
with his rosary, restoring peace and order and earning
for himself a special medal from the Pope;
In the 23rd minute of the final hour a mysterious illuminated
flying object was chased to earth by a daring jet pilot
and found to be the ghost of Cyrano De Bergerac;
In the 24th minute of the final hour a flock of diarrhetic
pigeons strafed Miami Beach;
In the 25th minute of the final hour fire swept through a
marijuana grove deep in the woods of Madison, Wiscon-
sin, completely entrancing the entire Volunteer Fire De-
partment, which thereupon drove straight through to
Folkstown, Georgia in its fire-engine on impulse, spread-
ing a largesse of giggles and exhilaration;
In the 26th minute of the final hour the indians appeared
spontaneously in the ladies room of the NAACP, wear-
ing tuxedos and carrying incomprehensible placards;
In the 27th minute of the final hour the Reader's Digest,
Life magazine, and the Los Angeles telephone directory
played capture the flag;
In the 28th minute of the final hour a popular medi-
cine was revealed to contain heroin. 17,000 persons
were squashed and 300 Rexalls reduced to rubble in the
ensuing stampede;
In the 29th minute of the final hour a mailman's wife gave
birth to a moviehouse;
In the 30th minute of the final hour a housing project was
built in Goof City;
In the 31st minute of the final hour a magical incantation
by the spirit of François Villon sealed every subway-
entrance with concrete, causing the foundation of a new
religion which worshipped the horse and sang as its
hymn "Deep In The Womb Of Texas";
In the 32nd minute of the final hour 26 unreleased masters
by Charlie Parker were unearthed in a Philadelphia cel-
lar. They were, fortunately, trampled upon by the police
before they could spread Disorder And Uncertainty;
In the 33rd minute of the final hour every man caressed his
wife's —— with his ——, denying it five minutes later
as hallucinations or sleepwalking;
In the 34th minute of the final hour the Law Of Inverse En-
closure was rediscovered and a matchbox was declared
the prison of the universe, with two fleas placed inside
as wardens;
In the 36th minute of the final our the Puerto Rican Na-
tionalists attacked CBS with ice picks while the $64,000
question was being asked;
In the 37th minute of the final hour a Bop version of the
Star-Spangled Banner was proclaimed official arrange-
ment of the United States Marines;
In the 38th minute of the final hour an army of ravenous
ants entered the U.S. Treasury and ate up all the money,
refusing to be placated by green bus tranfers;
In the 39th minute of the final hour the president had a wet
dream and the Navy was ordered into Algiers;
In the 40th minute of the final hour all of the toiletseats
were found to have been reversed and the population
blushed;
In the 41st minute of the final hour all future child-pederasts
were ordered castrated as an emergency measure against
the rising tide of intestinal pregnancy;
In the 42nd minute of the final hour the indians made their
final appearance, stalking up to the candy counter of the
New York Paramount wearing football uniforms. They
gathered up armfuls of popcorn and grunted up to the
balcony, never to be seen again;
In the 43rd minute of the final hour James Dean appeared in
the dreams of 40,000,000 Americans, smiling softly and
speaking gently of insurrection;
In the 44th minute of the final hour an "A" train full of
exhibitionists pulled into Times Square;
In the 45th minute of the final hour there was an abundance
of nakedness and hopeful uncertainty;
In the 46th minute of the final hour the first transparent
clothing was worn out of doors;
In the 47th minute of the final hour prostitution became un-
necessary;
In the 48th minute of the final hour all of the road signs
were altered to read "GO!";
In the 49th minute of the final hour all women's magazines
were turned into semen;
In the 50th minute of the final hour the Boy Scouts joined
with the Girl Scouts in a new era of joy and experimen-
tation;
In the 51st minute of the final hour Texas was declared In-
capable and assigned a guardian;
In the 52nd minute of the final hour one of the Pacific
H-Bombs let loose a shower of leaflets that said
"BANG!";
In the 53rd minute of the final hour Jesus Christ appeared
on the cover of Time magazine along with Donald Duck
and J. Edgar Hoover;
In the 54 minute of the final hour Nelson Rockefeller
established a hashish plantation in Nutley, New Jersey,
an the A&P opened narcotics counters and began giv-
ing out trading stamps with weird new prizes;
In the 55th minute of the final hour the Brooklyn Dodgers
burned Disneyland in final protest and began the re-
treat into relative insanity;
In the 56th minute of the final hour everyone with an IQ of
less than 90 was castrated painlessly and the remaining
populace began receiving Social Security;
In the 57th minute of the final hour the cash register was
abolished;
In the 58th minute of the final hour all of the white-collar
In the world called in sick;
In the 59th minute of the final hour all of the doors were
ripped off of their frames and hauled off to a roaring
bonfire, with only the hinges left hanging as mute re-
minders of a sad and frightened history;
And In the 60th minute of the final hour America was dis-
covered and the final renaissance of beauty and love
began its eternity.