1.) Find out what his favorite food is and cook a triple portion of it with lots of MSG.
2.) Prepare an appetizer to tantalize him with as he swings back and forth on his monkey bars.
3.) Booze the shit out of him before you give him the appetizer. (Avoid fake crab.)
4.) Be sure that there's no ambient sunlight in the room. (Or direct sunlight for that matter.)
5.) Mist his stem and feet.
6.) Rub the appetizer (remember, no fake crab!) on his umbrella.
7.) Force-feed him the triple portion.
8.) Refuse to let him vomit.
9.) Hold his hand until he has digested the evening.
10.) Add mozzarella cheese.

© 2004__Muldoon Elder